Do I Need Their Validation to Heal?

Finding a way forward when someone won't
acknowledge the pain they caused.

Question:

Someone hurt me deeply, and I can't seem to move forward.

Part of me feels like I need them to acknowledge what they did—to understand the pain they caused and take responsibility for it. Until that happens, I feel stuck.

How do I move on when I still want validation from the person who hurt me?

Answer:

This is one of the most painful places to be.

When we've been hurt, it makes sense to want acknowledgment. We want someone to say:

"Yes, that happened."

"Yes, it was unfair."

"Yes, I understand how much it hurt you."

The desire for validation isn't wrong. It's human.

But there is an important question to consider:

What if they never give it to you?

What if they are unwilling to take responsibility?

What if they minimize it, deny it, justify it, or simply refuse to talk about it?

What if they are no longer in your life—or on this planet?

Many of us unknowingly place our healing in someone else's hands. We tell ourselves that we can move forward once they finally understand, apologize, or admit what they did.

The problem is that this leaves our well-being dependent on a person who may never be willing or able to give us what we need.

That doesn't mean what happened wasn't real. It doesn't mean it wasn't painful. And it doesn't mean you have to excuse their behavior.

It simply means your healing cannot depend on their participation.

You know what you experienced.

You know how much it hurt.

You know what it cost you.

The truth of your experience does not become more true because someone else acknowledges it.

At some point, many of us face a difficult choice:

Do we continue waiting for validation from the person who hurt us, or do we begin validating ourselves?

This doesn't happen overnight. Grief, anger, and disappointment deserve space.

But healing often begins when we stop asking, "How do I get them to understand?" and start asking, "What do I need in order to move forward?"

One question I sometimes invite people to consider is:

How much more of your time, energy, and attention would you like this person or situation to receive?

Not because what happened doesn't matter.

But because you matter, too.

The hurt may have been outside of your control.

What you do next is not.

You may never receive the apology, acknowledgment, or accountability you deserve.

But regardless, you get to take your power back and begin healing.